Empty. Dark. Dry. Barren. Scorching. Scary. THE DESERT. The wide open blankness of the desert can be a terrifying place to find yourself in, especially when you thought you were swimming comfortably in the lap pool of God's house. As time passed from 2007 to 2008, I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself. Then, I found myself standing in front of the mirror, barely recognizing myself for what I have now deemed as my time in the desert. It all started from an unlikely source, just as it always does. This time, the venue was the Ivanna Chubbuck Studio on Melrose, and the instigator was my amazing acting coach, Rebecca Kitt. Part of what makes the Chubbuck Technique work so well is being willing to look at every area of your life, including the ugliest closets you have kept closed. In working with Rebecca, I allowed myself to really examine the struggles in my life at their root in order to see where they come from. Little did I know that this self-evaluation would truly lead me into the desert, and face the enemy head on.
Just as Jesus was tempted by the Devil when he was wandering in the desert, I found myself listening to the enticing persuasion of the Great Serpent. My mind was at a place of possibly justifying my own personal rebellion and I found myself at a Crossroads in the desert. I could either choose to listen to the counsel of those who are meandering through the desert with no direction, or trust in the counsel of those guided by our Heavenly Father. The beautiful thing about this whole desert experience is that I feel like I am entering my fourth year in Hollywood stronger than the first three. Furthermore, as a believer, I see now that it is okay to struggle. It is okay to wrestle with God. It is okay to ask the tough questions; to look at my life and see why it is I do what I do.
Through a series of "Holy" coincidences, I found myself reading a book on the flight back to Los Angeles entitled, WRESTLING WITH GOD. It was through this book that I really discovered the promise that is found in the struggle. Here are a couple of key passages that stuck out:
"So, the people who are battling their demons or Shadows aren't the ones who make Jesus angry; rather, Jesus is angry with the people who don't acknowledge that they also have the same battle....Religious people who see their own separation from "sinners" make Him furious...To refuse to admit that you have anything to struggle with is evil."
"Jesus had fought with His own Enemy. Jesus had been to the desert. He had looked deep at the things that could keep Him from being who He needed to be."
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. That is it. I cannot be discouraged by what I discovered about myself in the desert. By looking at even the ugliest parts of who I am, I have seen what it is that could keep me from being who I need to be in Christ.
Remember- When you are in the desert, there is bound to be a wellspring of truth on the other side.
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